"Strong!" Try to make 'em all think I'm strong. Yeah, the face I keep putting on says I ain't tired. But these tear-stained eyes ain't lying. Cause hard, nobody told me life could be so hard. A weary soul with a worn out heart that's barely beating. But every time I get that feeling...I hit my knees with my hands held high, saying "dear lord Jesus! You know I can't do this on my own."

I FEEL this song. Way down deep, all the way to my bone marrow. Watching it climb the charts...means that thousands of other people feel it too. That in our world, we all are pretty good at pretending to be okay.

Even after all these years. I pretend a lot of days...most days. I pretend that it's not as hard as it is. I pretend that I'm doing okay and I had sleep, and I took care of myself. I exercised and even washed my hair...and the truth is...most of it is an illusion of normalcy.

I rarely ask myself why I pretend? Why can't I be more real with people? I used to be...but I stopped asking myself those kinds of questions a lifetime ago. It's survival, and we've been surviving for 33 years... we don't expect that people outside of it can understand. It's almost an either or with autism parents. They either tell you nothing, or they lay out the whole enchilada.

One of the most important lessons from this life is, you absolutely do not understand what someone else is going through until you've been there...at least watched it up close and personal. You can't, none of us can. No matter the situation, that statement is always true.

I also pretend...brace yourself, here it is....I pretend because...

Because it feels like no one wants to know the hard truth. Is that too harsh? I don't honestly think it is. There are a few people we are willing to be real with...but we are careful and selective. Our reality is a lot, and when confessing it, we so often feel like failures, like it's all our fault.

We ask ourselves constantly, "Have we made the right choices, done the right things? We see other people doing it far smarter than we have. There's enough self condemnation to last a lifetime and unfortunately...it's not only the autism life that feels this way...it's most everyone's lives.

Exposing your reality to the wrong people is the biggest mistake of all. Use caution when your heart is bleeding and you just need to be heard. Because...judgement! People who don't understand at all...and then they say things...because they have no idea what it's like to live on the edge of a catastrophe 24/7.

They also make up reasons why it's your fault because, then they can assure themselves it could never happen to them. It's because it's so scary. We all need that false sense of security. If you're nodding, then you know... It's a lesson learned the hard way.

And...since I'm being so raw and real here, I also expect it is because I'm proud. Not the good kind of proud, the kind that goes before a fall. I'm embarrassed about how ugly it can get at our house. Just know... If I tell you the ugly stuff, it's because I trust you with my broken and battered heart.

I'm embarrassed when I can't manage it all. I'm terrified that I am getting older and I can't do the things I used to do. I'm ashamed when I have a meltdown. I mentally berate myself because after all my prayers and all my devotion, sometimes my flesh demands its way! And I don't know about yours, but my flesh is never forgiving or understanding.

I write these things...these hard things. But... inside these difficulties, there is light, light that I can see, only because of the darkness.

But there are the good things. I want you to know that too.

Yesterday was one of those days that I just wish I could slow down and enjoy more. Britton had an amazing day. He laughed, and he hugged me, and he wanted kisses on his cheek. His body cooperated, and it did what he asked of it. I mean, that is ONE BIG HAIRY DEAL.

He didn't want to type on his iPad, but he used his letter board. He loves to hit the IDK button and finds that extremely amusing. It was extra funny yesterday; I have no idea why? But we laughed together each time he tapped it, and eventually we laughed till we had tears. IDK is just that good.

We were reading from The Good Book. It's the Bible, but it has explanations after each chapter. It was written by a missionary to help people begin to study the bible for the first time. What can I say? We still have a lot to learn. Britton refused to move from this one scripture. This is the way it happens. He runs his finger under the words and I read them out loud. He didn't want to leave this scripture, so over and over he showed it to me. Over and over, I read it.

​Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

He continued to laugh and laugh. I picked up the letter board to ask him why he wanted me to read it, again and again? I expected him to tap-IDK. He didn't really explain exactly, but He tapped. "Adonai is near me.." My eyes filled and I tapped back, "I love you. Thank you for telling me."

Those kinds of moments are magical. I kept expecting butterflies and sparkles to appear around us. But better than sparkles, the Holy Spirit came and hovered, His presence filling us both!

What a great day, and what a blessing it was to see him smiling and laughing. That's the really good stuff. I want to always remember to share the good stuff with you. The day ended in seizures...that's far from the good stuff, but it's the reality and I've vowed to be honest with you.

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Sometimes I have to pry the good stuff out of anyone that sort of knows our life. They feel guilty that their life is easier. I hate that. I WANT all the stories. The good stories, the bad stories. Heck, I need the good stories like I need air. They give me hope and fill me with happiness. I can borrow that happiness and soak it in and enjoy it for weeks. Don't hold back the good stuff. Your friends that are struggling want to know, need to know.

I promise you that most folks struggling aren't upset when you tell them the things that bring you joy.

I'm convinced joy and happiness are contagious. Spread that stuff around like confetti. We all need it no matter what we're living with.

A side note --There's enough darkness on the news, and social media. If you're one of those people who gets hypnotized by your cell. Please be careful to fill your mind with light, truth, and hope.

It's there...light is sprinkled all around social media. You just gotta be determined to be selective about what you let into your soul. Otherwise, you'll find yourself trying to shake off the darkness and before you know it, it's stuck and refuses to budge. I'm also convinced that darkness is contagious as well. Know anyone who watches the news a lot, or can't put down their cell phone...well then, I rest my case.

I was wondering if maybe you have a family member or a friend that pretends... and if you know who they are, you also know a little of what they're pretending about. Consider being the person that they can be honest with? You could pray about it? And you could be careful to reach out on the days you can handle it. Remind yourself that the first thing love is...Love is patient. 1Corin 13:4.

I recently had an old friend reach out to me. Someone I had always been real with, felt safe with. Our lives got busy, we had children and grandchildren, and life moved us both at mach speed in different directions. But I cannot begin to express the joy I felt to have that person think of me after so much life and so many years. To show me she still prayed for me, still cared. She proved that by giving me her time...and listening.

She asked me if there was anything she could do for me...I said, "please pray for us." I admit to being skeptical about people who say they will pray for us. (Not my friend, she's a prayer warrior) I'm unsure where my cynicism comes from. But if you say you're going to pray for someone...be sure to DO IT! It really does change things. Your prayers matter. Maybe it doesn't always change things in this physical world, but I can attest to the truth that it changes a great many things in the spiritual world.

You can pray for...maybe especially for, your very difficult friends. (Difficult being defined as friends who refuse to pretend anymore, or have just grown too weary to wear that mask. The friend who is not shy about telling you the truth of their difficult situation) Prayer is powerful, and it's not "the only thing you can do." It is one of the best things you can do." Listening, tells them, "You are worth this much to me."

I was reminded recently...When I asked for prayer because Britton was really sick and the seizures just wouldn't relent. I always struggle to ask for prayer when our life drops far south. Saying I NEED HELP is hard for me. I kept saying thank you for the prayers and concern. THANK YOU, THANK YOU! Thank YOU!

One of those prayer warriors reminded me that Christians are instructed to "bear one another's burdens, and to love each other. That the bible is very specific about it." So I went looking for those scriptures, and of course he was right.

I found about fifty scriptures...I listed a few below, the ones that seemed most direct. And just so you know...because I need prayer, does not let me shrug off my obligations, my own responsibilities to bear the burdens of others. I want to be a safe place for someone who needs a listening ear. I also want to be careful to share the good stuff whenever I get a chance!

Let's all do that. Be there for someone...and then...Let's never be hesitant to throw the good stuff around like confetti and see how contagious it actually is!

​Galatians 6:2 ESV

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

​Romans 15:1 ESV

We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.

​Ephesians 4:2 ESV

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,

​Romans 15:1-2 ESV

We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.

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​In case you haven't read the TRILOGY - The Chronicles of the Shadowlands...The first book, The Choosing, is Britton's story. That's him, on the cover!

here's the link...

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This is the most recent review for The Choosing

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent read!Reviewed in the United States

Oh my goodness, what a story from beginning to end. A captivating tale that held my attention from the very first paragraph. This story was so well written and it quickly drew me in loving the characters, rooting for them, crying about their situation and crying with them. Teresa Holman, all I can say is well done. I believe God will use this book in the lives of many people. You are a blessing. Can’t wait to start the second book, which I will later today."

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​5.0 out of 5 stars Breathtaking Journey Reviewed in the United States. Verified Purchase​

Outstanding work of fiction that clearly embeds real scenarios into the story. This book will make you feel emotions you may have locked away and hoped not revisit. What you realize that upon revisiting these feelings, the author helps you further heal what was buried.
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Excellent story and characters who share deep emotions about life, death and Alzheimer’s. This book will remind you of someone you’ve lost and will bring back many good and bad memories.
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Definitely recommend for anyone who has shared love and loss with family.

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"He always used stories to teach them." Mark 4:34